How School Broke Me

Im sure we all remember our first day of school. You didn't know what the hell it was, but you knew you'd get to go off somewhere with a bunch of other kids and do...something?

Personally, I had to day care a lot with a friend of my mother. As far as I remember I pretty much just ran around the apartment with some other toddlers and flipped blocks and shit over. I don't remember any actual learning taking place. So i thought an official pre-school would be pretty much the same thing.

So, as I remember first day. My parents dressed me up in my uniform and spammed ribbons and bows in my hair like I was some sort of creepy Cabbage Patch Doll and wasted a roll of camera snap shots on me.

Ok. So I didn't know what the fuck school was. I just thought of it as an opportunity to show the world how badass I was. I watched Barney and I was a BIG KID NOW dammit.

My hours waiting to go was met with me staring off into blank space with excitement like the Excited Fists guy. Time to shine, Mofos.

I dont remember much from the first day. But I do know that a certain kid later became famous for crying because he missed his mom. I remember watching him cry while the other kids and a teacher tried to calm him. I remember mentally laughing at him. I wasn't crying, Why should he?

The only thing I really recalled well from back then was all the awesome shit I was allowed to do for fun(No. I never met Barney)

For example. 

I was obsessed with snakes back then. Specifically King Cobras. Even time Art came around you could expect many snakes in rainbow colors to be all over my board. 

At lunch time thats when things got INTENSE.
The playing field had these giant barrels that you could climb into. Usually if you climbed into one kids could gladly push you around in it. No one cared if you had a good chance of breaking your neck if they pushed too fast. It was fun. Half of the time I would roll himself around in it by myself because I was too impatient to wait to be pushed.

And then...things started to change. Things started to feel more like your obligated to do things than free wondering fun. And then...my most hated subject at the time.

Swimming.

Now, before you start flailing your limbs saying how awesome swimming is. I had a pretty good reason to be terrified of swimming. The pool we swam in, had water jets. Its not the jet themselves that stuck fear into my heart, but their appearance.
I dont know, but some sick bastard thought it was a good idea to make them look like eyeballs.

I would never go near them, and since there was at least 7 of them in the entire pool. There was no escape. For the entire year I would take refuge on the steps of the pool, never lingering too far in the actual pool because I feared the eyes. This lead to the teachers believing I was either scared of water or drowning. I wasn't. I was a TERRIFIC swimmer. JUST AS LONG AS I WASN'T IN THAT GOD FORSAKEN POOL.

Lets not forget about the time I waited about an hour because I was last in line to ride a horse the soul hired someone to bring around...only to find out it wasn't a horse...It was a donkey. I cried.

Then came Grade One. Shit just got real.

Kids started to slowly separate into groups. The smart kids, the Cool kids, the girly girls...and of course...The Tomboys. Naturally I was one of the Tomboys. Ya know...the girls who played in the mud and wasn't for that prissy Missy stuff. I didn't wanna nurse baby dolls, I wanted to play some damned hide and seek. But deep down inside I deeply wanted to be a Smart Kid, so people would stop calling me crazy. I thought that maybe if I was as smart as those other kids...I could even out my craziness. But they were too CALM. It drove me insane trying to hang out with them. It was like tying up a hyperactive Shi-Tsu puppy and telling it to sit there all day and not move a muscle. Impossible.

My plan would always backfire.

From grade one straight up to grade 7 it was like this. It was my friends that kept me from being a social outcast. I was always seen doing weird strange things for apparently no reason at all. But I had reasons! 

Allow me to explain.

Oh, this is easy. I once saw some chick peeling the petals off of a rose and licking the bottom where the nectar is. When I asked her why she was doing this, she said that the bottom is sweet and thats what she was tasting. Of course, I was easily persuaded. I toke a taste and found that it tasted kind of like mint. For the next couple of months, In the morning I would be seen looking for a rose to taste every now and then. Word somehow got around that I was eating the flowers and not tasting them.

Well, I saw some girls playing doctor. A girl pretended to faint, as the others lifted her away. That day my friend was home sick, so I was alone and had no one to stop me from my random impulses. There was a 15 foot tall hill on the playing field at the time, I was playing by my self when I noticed the girls. I wanted to play.
Instead of doing the obvious and just asking if I could play with them; I yelled something along the lines of "OOH! WAIT FOR ME!" and ran to the top of the hill, assumed that they heard me (or where even paying attention to anyone in my direction). Then I tumbled down the top of the hill and laid there for a good 3 minutes looking at the sky. When it became clear that the girls weren't going to help me up, I dusted the grass off of my outfit and made sure no one had seen me.

And last but not least...

I recall one day asking my best buddy, when was it people initially started believing I was crazy. Because...I honestly couldn't remember exactly when it started. But I'm pretty sure it was somewhere after the "I'm a Tomboy" excuse wore itself out. My friend thinks it was because one day In grade 3 it started raining, and I had started playing in the rain while everyone else ran for cover.
Whats so weird about that? Let me make this clear first and foremost- I live in the Bahamas currently; and these people for some retarded reason are TERRIFIED of the rain.
It starts raining and all of a sudden everyones running around in every direction freaking out and flailing around looking for cover. If your like me and calmly walk for shelter, or if its light completely ignore it- eyebrows are raised.
I always thought...Why run from it? You drink it and bath in it, right?
Oh- Lemme guess you don't wanna get your wig wet?

Anyway, around 7th-8th grade I reallllllyy started hating school. Because thats when I realized all of this shit is what meant I would either be either nice, happy rich and fat or poor skinny and dying in the future. Fuck.
But forget that I had more interesting things to worry about. Like puberty.

I remember one day the school brought in two doctors to explain how a baby was made. Personally I already knew how a baby was born...but I didn't understand how it was formed. Like, no one would ever explain to me the whole penis + vagina = baby part of it. Every time I asked I got the round about answer:

I had to go and find out for my own damn self. 

Oh, Lets not forget the relentless bullying I got for being different and exciting. It obviously got much more harsh as the grades went up. 

...The fuck? Cant a girl just sit under a tree by herself and eat her fucking sandwich without a flock of preppies and all of the tissue-stuffed bra glory calling me Lonely Bitch?

Well, I wasn't lonely per say. I was more of a loner when I switched schools for the 9th grade, I didn't feel like mixing with them considering they welcomed me with arms full of spikes and poison from day one. I hated them. I wanted to stay as far away from them as I possibly could.

(Note to everyone on the face of the earth. Never go to Temple Christian High School unless you want to hang yourself.)

However, it did comfort me that 95% of the people who bothered me usually looked...kinda like...

Uh. Yeah. Pretty much.

And lets not forget...The thing that always pissed me off the most in school...

The perfect kid.

Well guess what. WE HAD TWO. 

First it starts off innocent. 

They start off as a role model, a helpful reminder that you should be trying harder.

Then you start to question it. Why do they always succeed so much with so little effort...? Did their parents sell their soul to the devil at their birth? What makes them so smart? Teachers start using them as examples.

Then it slowly starts to become irritating. You start to hope that maybe...just maybe...they would drop dead and give YOU a chance to shine. But you would have no such luck. They keep on living and succeeding everything in site.

And THATS when it stops being cute. Now its just plain annoying. They must be destroyed.

And thats why I just want to home school my children(if I ever get any). 

Oh. And just for the record, College isn't exactly a walk in the park either.

But thats another story.